A Chic Paris Lockdown – Day 25 – Dancing to Our Own Music
Day 25 is “Collect Contentment in Petite Measures” in Fiona Ferris’s book 30 Chic Days. Fiona writes about that slippery-sly thief of joy – jealous comparison. It rears it’s ugly head whenever we compare something in our lives to someone else’s and feel a sense of bitter dissatisfaction. For example, comparing our car with our neighbors brand-new, shiny, luxury car. Suddenly our wonderful, reliable, completely paid for (!) darling car seems, well, somewhat less than wonderful and darling. Or what about when we run into an acquaintance and admire her latest designer gazillion-dollar handbag? Or the pristine, sparkling new renovated kitchen across the way? And all those spiffy, high-end appliances? (This is what always catches my eye!) I must admit that my “mature” kitchen looked a bit drab when I returned to my house.
How do we enjoy some else’s beautiful whatever and skip the following feeling of “and my stuff/life/fill-in-the-blank now seems so lackluster”? The important phrase here is “now seems.” Nothing has really changed outside of our minds. My kitchen and my appliances are exactly the same today as they were yesterday when I felt just fine about them. (Before I saw the newly renovated kitchen, that is.)
Stephan Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, calls jealous comparison an emotional cancer that can spread like wildfire and devastate our previously upbeat attitude. It can undermine all our effort to create a positive and chic mindset and life. The tendency to make jealous comparisons (“why can’t I have that sparkly new whatever just like so-and-so does?”) can quickly sprout into a negative habit that spawns untold pain and dissatisfaction.
Fiona advises us to meet this tendency head-on by reaffirming how our choices are taking us to OUR dream life. Someone else’s lovely kitchen may be adding to their dream life. Good for them! We can develop the habit of repeating (to ourselves) that our money is going towards building our personal dream life. Fiona (and Covey) remind us to keep our focus on our own lives and successes. Give sincere congratulations to others and keep marching on towards our own dreams-come-true.
I would also add that sometimes I make the mistake of over-ascribing “dream lives” based on scant evidence. Admiring someone’s beautiful coat, car, handbag can be enjoyable, if we let it. After all, we are seeing something lovely. And that is all that we see – a beautiful something. When we go from admiring the shiny, new car to creating a vast story (in our minds) that this person has a fabulous, perfect life (and just why can’t I have it?!) …. well, that’s a bit over-dramatic. In my case, I do better when I tell myself to “ditch the theatrics.”
I like Fiona’s Day 25 – she gently describes a very human foible! We aren’t alone when we do silly things like making jealous comparisons. Happily, her discussion on how to cultivate contentment and banish the “comparison cancer” makes perfect sense – express gratitude for all the good things in our lives, limit exposure to popular news & entertainment outlets (they are focused on feeding our fear and insecurity – and who needs that?) and get on with our own lives.
We all are experiencing a tumultuous Spring 2020. Let’s be gentle with ourselves and keep our focus on marching to the beat of our own unique drummer.